Pairing: Kirk and McCoy
Length: one shot (1500+ words)
Disclaimer: I have absolutely no connection to Paramount or the Star Trek franchise
Warnings: I hope you like crack and fluff
Summary: From ranka_lee 's prompt, "Kirk has a tail and it won't stop wagging!"
A/N: I am not a furry, I swear! This is also dedicated to my dog. Beta'd by ranka_lee and enemyanemone . Cut text from Phineas and Ferb.
“Hey there, Bones,” Kirk greeted casually as the door whooshed open to McCoy’s office.
McCoy’s eyes stayed locked on his PADD, trying to remain focused on Keenser’s updated medical chart and not on how Kirk had completely barged in, rudely disrupting his train of thought. However Keenser’s case was proving to be extremely dull –the creature was almost flushed down the toilet by an ensign, again—compared to James T. Kirk standing in the middle of the room in all his pompous glory.
McCoy absently waved a hand, not allowing Kirk the satisfaction of eye contact, and grunted, “Morning, Jim.”
The sound of Kirk tinkering with something drifted to McCoy’s ears and he resisted the urge to just stand up and take whatever it was away from those curious hands. However McCoy couldn’t stop his shoulders from tensing in agitation.
Kirk chuckled and McCoy could basically hear the toothy grin, “You know, one day you will have to call me ‘Captain’.”
When the sound of Kirk rattling something became louder, McCoy looked up from his PADD in order to shout at Kirk to stop fiddling with his stuff.
But the appearance of a fluffy brown thing wagging and hitting McCoy’s display of antique medical supplies stopped him. “Jim...,” McCoy’s eyes watched the thing begin to wag even more, creating a cacophony of noise as it began to blur in its speed. “What is that....?”
“Hmm?” Kirk’s eyes perked up and then down to where McCoy’s gaze was directed. He spotted the thing and spun in a circle to keep his watch on it, looking a little frustrated. “Oh wait, why is it wagging? Damn thing...”
“Why is it wagging...?” McCoy repeated. “Dammit, Jim,” he laid the PADD down and walked around his desk, grabbing the extra limb. “Why do you even have a tail in the first place?”
The poor tail was trying to move but McCoy’s grip prevented it. “I have to meet with the ambassador of T’sher’la and therefore this,” Kirk took his tail back and it immediately began to wag, although it was more of an excited shiver. “Is necessary.... And don’t just grab it. I feel violated.” He winked and the tail immediately started to thump against McCoy’s leg.
“T’sher’la requires everyone to have a tail?” McCoy’s eyes kept watching the damn thing wiggle and he narrowed his eyes at it. “How is this even attached?”
“Sulu and Chekov gave me this robotic one so I just wear it around my waist,” Kirk lifted his shirt to show the surprisingly tiny belt that the tail was attached to. McCoy’s eyes followed the belt but became distracted once he caught a glimpse of the hair around Kirk’s belly button. The hair crept lower and lower— “So now I just have to get used to it. Apparently everyone on T’sher’la has a tail-- it makes lying more difficult or something. Like, the tails show emotions and all that, I guess.”
“Right....” McCoy shook the image of Kirk’s hairy belly out of his head and watched the tail continue to move about. “Why does it keep doing that?”
“I dunno,” Kirk started to spin again in order to keep his eyes on it as if that would make it cease. “It wasn’t doing this before...”
“Alright well just get out of my office before it breaks something.” McCoy watched the tail stop moving altogether. “Out, Jim!”
Even though he waved happily at McCoy and shot him a bright smile, the tail slid in between his legs, “Fine, you party pooper.”
The halls were loud and filled with people milling about when McCoy stomped through them on his way to lunch. It had been a long time since they had seen any action on The Enterprise and it was starting to make the whole crew a little restless. Even McCoy was beginning to get tired of loitering around the bridge after hour upon hour spent in sick bay treating Keenser for whatever stupid accident it was that day. Thankfully the line to the food synthesizer was short, brightening McCoy’s afternoon a little, but the appearance of something bushy made his eyebrow twitch.
“Why is it wagging now?” McCoy growled. The tail immediately began to hit his leg as he moved to stand behind Kirk. “Jim, dammit, stop this thing!”
“I can’t,” the tail stilled for a moment when Kirk turned to look hopelessly at McCoy. “It was calm earlier.”
McCoy watched the tail sink in tune with Kirk’s sad expression and then perk when the food synthesizer made a ding signalling it was finished. “Well, see you, Bones,” Kirk smiled at McCoy, his tail wagging furiously as he picked up his food and left.
McCoy shook his head as he placed his food card into the synthesizer and turned to watch the Captain leave. The tail was behaving itself now. Of course it is, McCoy thought. Every once in a while it would move lazily when Kirk smiled or it would still completely when his eyebrows knitted together but it never wagged so much that it hit things.
McCoy grabbed his food and proceeded past the Captain, giving him a friendly nod as he left.
Kirk nodded back with a smile and his tail began to wag in a circle like an old 21st century helicopter. McCoy looked at the tail for a moment, raising an eyebrow.
When he was half way down the hall he turned his head to see if the tail was still moving. It was still as Kirk spoke to Uhura and McCoy nearly tripped on his own two feet when he figured out why Kirk’s tail was always wagging.
Just as expected, Kirk made his usual trip to McCoy’s quarters just before it was time to start heading to bed. It had become a sort of habit seeing as they used to spend their nights together at the academy as roommates. Only “spending their nights together” didn’t usually make McCoy sweat.
“Bones!” Kirk entered the room and McCoy’s eyes dropped down to the tail which was in its usual state of pure excitement.
“How’s the tail... Captain?” McCoy murmured the last bit but that didn’t stop Kirk from looking surprised or from his tail wiggling frantically, making his whole ass move. McCoy would have been annoyed at Kirk’s enthusiasm if he wasn’t so red-faced to even consider it.
“You called me Captain,” Kirk smiled like an idiot, triumph written all over his face.
McCoy rolled his eyes, “Yeah, now get over it and sit down.” Kirk did as he was told and the tail shook in anticipation and perhaps even a little nervously when McCoy stood behind him.
McCoy placed a tentative hand on Kirk’s shoulder and the tail flopped against the back of the chair. So far so good, he thought as he rubbed his thumb against the command gold and the tail hit the chair even more. Leaning down, McCoy blew into Kirk’s ear, making the man shake visibly, before he licked and bit at it. The tail squirmed and McCoy moved his mouth to nip at Kirk’s jaw. He looked up to see that Kirk’s eyes were partially closed and his legs were open instinctively.
With only a second of hesitation, McCoy leaned in and pressed his mouth against Kirk’s lips. Kirk released a surprised noise but as he sank into the kiss McCoy could hear the tail going crazy. It was hitting the chair creating almost a hum at the speed it was going. At this point, McCoy had planned on leaning back and saying, “And that is why your damn tail is wagging.” But Kirk kind of felt nice, sliding a tongue into his mouth and tasting him.
He rested a hand on the back of Kirk’s head, his fingers curling into that bright blond hair as he bit the man’s bottom lip. It took all his willpower to not take a seat on Kirk’s lap and when he felt those curious hands reach for his pants, he pulled back breathing hard, “Thatiswhydamntailwagging.” He said in a rush of breath.
“What?” Kirk’s eyes were unfocused and McCoy couldn’t look away from his swollen lips.
Clearing his throat, he growled, “I said, ‘that’s why your damn tail is wagging.’”
Kirk appeared confused but then his face went flushed. “Oh...! Shit,” he peered over his shoulder at the tail which was moving to each beat of Kirk’s thundering heart. “These T’sher’la weren’t kidding about making it difficult to lie....”
McCoy nodded and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, “Yup.”
“Well.... this is awkward,” Kirk’s head drooped and his tail curled underneath the chair in embarrassment.
“You stupid ass,” McCoy smirked and ducked down to kiss the younger man again. The kiss wasn’t quite so tentative this time and Kirk moaned appreciatively into McCoy’s mouth. “I like you too, Jim.” McCoy said with his eyes shut tight once he pulled away from Kirk.
Kirk smiled tenderly, his cheeks pink and his tail happy. “Oh, Bones, you cheese ball,” he teased before kissing him again.
The bridge was quiet except for those pinging noises that always seemed to be echoing around the ship. McCoy was in his usual spot behind Kirk but he was now taking every opportunity to look openly at the Captain. His eyes were stuck on the fringe of hair near the top of Kirk’s neck but the presence of a green blooded hobgoblin was way too distracting to fully enjoy it. McCoy glared directly at Spock and those dark, alien eyes were glued to Kirk’s tail, a slight crease to his brow.
“Is there something intriguing about the Captain’s ass, Spock?” McCoy grinned cruelly when Spock threw him a look that said, ‘Leave me alone. I hate you. You smell.’
Spock’s eyes returned to their mission of following the tail. It was in its usual state of wagging gleefully and Spock strained to keep up. “I have not heard of this human tradition of wearing animal tails.”
Kirk smiled, “Spock, it’s not a human tradition. I’m wearing it for the ambassador of T’sher’la.”
“T’sher’la?” Spock paused to think for a moment. “I am not familiar with the planet T’sher’la...”
“You’ve heard of T’sher’la! They’re known for....” Kirk felt his cheery expression fade and he turned to McCoy for help.
McCoy shrugged, “I’d never heard of them...”
The distinct sound of giggles drifted across the bridge and all three of them turned to look towards the conn. Chekov was giggling behind a hand and Sulu was nudging him. “Shh, Pavel! Shush!” Sulu glanced nervously over his shoulder.
Kirk’s face immediately went from realization to a sneaky grin. “Lieutenant Sulu, Ensign Chekov,” he called. “I believe I will skip the meeting with the ambassador and have you two attend instead.”
Chekov and Sulu both looked at each other before responding. “...Aye, Captain.”
Kirk smiled, his tail wagging smugly and he winked back at McCoy, “I’ll have your tails ready by tomorrow.”